Cessnock

Gateway to the Vineyards

There's an old proverb that says to get to Heaven you pass through hell, likewise it could be said that to get to the Vineyards of the Hunter, you first pass through Cessnock.

Most wealthy people from Sydney are likely to drive through Cessnock without ever stopping to experience it (apart from the curious practice of BMW and Mercedes parking outside of Aldi) , so here is an overview of this choice city

Population/Social structure

Cessnock has a delightful little nickname:

"Neh-nock" .

Apparently this comes from the well-known fact that there are many problems with in-breeding. It is even used in case studies at university. This is the firm social foundation upon which the next population influx could build on

The opening of Cessnock Jail has been a real boon to the gene pool. You see, the Cesso' Hilton is the place where prisoners often finish their sentence, so their families move there in anticipation of the great emancipation. The only drawback is that they stay in the town forever (Although to the delight of the Tattoo parlour). This is a bit of a burden on Centrelink, and a shame for local dentists, as they tend to average 3 teeth per head.

Employment

Many Cessnockians are actually not employed at all. Often this is due to a city wide "back injury" phenomena. Cessnock is the capital for "Back injuries"

Not all un-employment stems from "Back injury" however, and there is a solid generational tradition of being on the dole. The up-side is finding yourself amongst the multitude (at Woolworths for instance) on "Payday".

(Note: Dole payments are referred to as "Me-pay")

Those who are employed are mostly miners.........

Transport

The VN commodore is known as the "Cessnock Chariot" and is widely considered to be the most desirable of all cars. There seems to be an infinite supply of VN's and one has to wonder where they all come from. The VN Commodore is known as the "Crim" or "Crimmodore"

Another popular form of transport is the Push-bike, and specifically a BMX. But the BMX is just as popular with adults for transport, as there is a high rate of license disqualification. That's a downside of the VN...it carries too much temptation to floor it. Driving without any license or "P" plates can also contribute to disqualification

The Cessnock Diet

Many Australians are becoming increasingly concerned with obesity as a national epidemic, however the answer could well lie in adopting the "Cessnock Diet"

The Cessnock diet consists of taking as much ice as you can, according to finances and constitution of the individual. A few months of this and the weight will melt away quicker than the Arctic ice (thanks miners)

There is a bounteous supply, with full credit going to the police for turning a blind eye

Warning: Some adverse side effects would be:

1. Going to Jail
2. Becoming Paranoid and delusional
3. Becoming increasingly violent
4. Total neglect of any children in your care
5. Death

Obesity

Cessnock has some of the fattest people you will ever see. I mean, this author has seen some arses that defy gravity!!!..there are some days that leave you astonished and speechless..but it's kind of fun to tease them....

Other peculiarities

Mullets

Cessnock is one of the last bastions of the mullet..in fact it's like a giant conservation area for mullets, and we don't mean the cool urban mullet, but the ugly, brazen Billy Ray Cyrus type. A rare snake mullet was recently sighted in the Coles shopping complex

Lounges on Verandahs

This is a strange yet common occurrence. It would appear to identify the occupants as total houso's. The process would seem to involve getting the nastiest old couch from Vinnies and plonking on your verandah..a top look!

Filling the yard up with shit

Take a leisurely stroll around the 'Nock and sneak a peek into a few yards here and there. You'll notice everywhere people stacking their yards with absolute crap. The default setting is having 3-8 cars (only early model) in the front yard. These are collected to "fix up" at a later date.....tomorrow never comes

Other popular items would include:

Washing machines and dryers
Air conditioning units
All manner of building materials (Beams, studs, Fencing, tiles, bricks, Tin etc. etc.)
Car parts
Caravans
Lounges (see above)
Wheels/Tyres

These are more often than not found in the backyard, but can reach epidemic levels, flowing into the front yard too. Couple that with weather-boards that have never been painted and you have achieved the "Cessnock Backyard-Shitz"