"The Bay..."

If you follow the Coast line North form Newcastle you'll arrive at a spectacular area that has calm pristine beaches, Hawaiian type headlands coupled with increasingly well developed commercial/residential dwellings that look almost European in parts.

Of Course we are talking about the Nelson Bay, Shoal bay, Salamander bay and Fingal bay areas.

The only Drawback...

There is one slight drawback to this picturesque setting. This is where all the Miners, Crims and Houso's migrate to in the Summer. This explains the plethora of caravan parks smattered throughout the region.

You see, as discussed earlier, Hunter people are subconsciously trapped in the Hunter Valley. So rather than venture interstate (or God forbid overseas) it is inevitable that they end up in a caravan somewhere in "The Bay"

This has become such an entrenched tradition that it's a giveaway you're not from the Hunter if you call it anything but "The Bay..."

Class system

Don't be fooled into thinking there isn't a class system within this blue collar heaven though. Those that have really "made it" have a permanent caravan site which is passed on like a golden chalice from generation to generation..thus ensuring their offspring a bragging right for years

The only acceptable alternative

There is one holiday alternative that Hunter folk can opt for without reproach from their fellow peers. It could be argued that this holiday is the pinnacle of holidays:

THE CRUISE!!!! (pronounced: the crieuwz)

Probably the attraction to a cruise is it's like a giant floating Mcdonalds/RSL/Aldi/Supa-centa all in one place.....and don't forget the final attribute that get's 'em in like flies:

ALL YOU CAN EAT AND DRINK

Anecdotal evidence suggests many passengers will spend the entire cruise playing poker machines (and eating, of course).There is only one cruise option though, which is the South Pacific type of cruise (Isle of pines/Vanuatu/Fiji). Anything out of this area would be way too adventurous and would run the risk of you being called the worst insult known in the Hunter:

"You're up ya-self"

The Cessnock Forcefield

Question:

If you were in a witness protection program and the people you were hiding from were in Cessnock, where would you hide?


Answer:

You would hide in Mulbring......


It seems that there is a mystical forcefield around Cessnock. Cessnockians rarely venture outside of the fair city.

It's not unusual to find 20-30 year adults that have never been to Sydney. After careful consideration for many years, I conclude it would require too much imagination and adventure for their dwarfed and enfeebled minds.

Another problem could be that many Cessnockians have a disqualified license and so are relegated to a BMX- bike for transportation for up to 2 years

Exceptions

It should be noted that Cessnockians will often find their way to Kurri (which is just like Cessnock really) and Maitland.
Kurri has some choice wrecking yards for their VN's and Maitland markets will lure many each month in the hope of finding some other piece of crap to put in their front or backyard

Newcastle and the promise of a fight will subconsciously draw some, periodically, into the city. Neh-nockians actually see Cessnock as an extension of Newcastle, so there is no mental schism in visiting the city

Note:

(Novocastrians would be horrified to think of Cessnock as part of their city)

Cessnock

Gateway to the Vineyards

There's an old proverb that says to get to Heaven you pass through hell, likewise it could be said that to get to the Vineyards of the Hunter, you first pass through Cessnock.

Most wealthy people from Sydney are likely to drive through Cessnock without ever stopping to experience it (apart from the curious practice of BMW and Mercedes parking outside of Aldi) , so here is an overview of this choice city

Population/Social structure

Cessnock has a delightful little nickname:

"Neh-nock" .

Apparently this comes from the well-known fact that there are many problems with in-breeding. It is even used in case studies at university. This is the firm social foundation upon which the next population influx could build on

The opening of Cessnock Jail has been a real boon to the gene pool. You see, the Cesso' Hilton is the place where prisoners often finish their sentence, so their families move there in anticipation of the great emancipation. The only drawback is that they stay in the town forever (Although to the delight of the Tattoo parlour). This is a bit of a burden on Centrelink, and a shame for local dentists, as they tend to average 3 teeth per head.

Employment

Many Cessnockians are actually not employed at all. Often this is due to a city wide "back injury" phenomena. Cessnock is the capital for "Back injuries"

Not all un-employment stems from "Back injury" however, and there is a solid generational tradition of being on the dole. The up-side is finding yourself amongst the multitude (at Woolworths for instance) on "Payday".

(Note: Dole payments are referred to as "Me-pay")

Those who are employed are mostly miners.........

Transport

The VN commodore is known as the "Cessnock Chariot" and is widely considered to be the most desirable of all cars. There seems to be an infinite supply of VN's and one has to wonder where they all come from. The VN Commodore is known as the "Crim" or "Crimmodore"

Another popular form of transport is the Push-bike, and specifically a BMX. But the BMX is just as popular with adults for transport, as there is a high rate of license disqualification. That's a downside of the VN...it carries too much temptation to floor it. Driving without any license or "P" plates can also contribute to disqualification

The Cessnock Diet

Many Australians are becoming increasingly concerned with obesity as a national epidemic, however the answer could well lie in adopting the "Cessnock Diet"

The Cessnock diet consists of taking as much ice as you can, according to finances and constitution of the individual. A few months of this and the weight will melt away quicker than the Arctic ice (thanks miners)

There is a bounteous supply, with full credit going to the police for turning a blind eye

Warning: Some adverse side effects would be:

1. Going to Jail
2. Becoming Paranoid and delusional
3. Becoming increasingly violent
4. Total neglect of any children in your care
5. Death

Obesity

Cessnock has some of the fattest people you will ever see. I mean, this author has seen some arses that defy gravity!!!..there are some days that leave you astonished and speechless..but it's kind of fun to tease them....

Other peculiarities

Mullets

Cessnock is one of the last bastions of the mullet..in fact it's like a giant conservation area for mullets, and we don't mean the cool urban mullet, but the ugly, brazen Billy Ray Cyrus type. A rare snake mullet was recently sighted in the Coles shopping complex

Lounges on Verandahs

This is a strange yet common occurrence. It would appear to identify the occupants as total houso's. The process would seem to involve getting the nastiest old couch from Vinnies and plonking on your verandah..a top look!

Filling the yard up with shit

Take a leisurely stroll around the 'Nock and sneak a peek into a few yards here and there. You'll notice everywhere people stacking their yards with absolute crap. The default setting is having 3-8 cars (only early model) in the front yard. These are collected to "fix up" at a later date.....tomorrow never comes

Other popular items would include:

Washing machines and dryers
Air conditioning units
All manner of building materials (Beams, studs, Fencing, tiles, bricks, Tin etc. etc.)
Car parts
Caravans
Lounges (see above)
Wheels/Tyres

These are more often than not found in the backyard, but can reach epidemic levels, flowing into the front yard too. Couple that with weather-boards that have never been painted and you have achieved the "Cessnock Backyard-Shitz"

Rugby League

The only game in town...

Most people of Australia have come to accept that Rugby League is a dying game, except a few strongholds in Queensland and NSW. The Hunter is one of those strongolds, let's examine some probable causes

Fitness

You don't have to be very fit to play Rugby League. AFL players have been known to run up to 35kms in a game, and soccer players over 12km, but big fat blokes can lumber around a Rugby League field for years like a fat sloth

Meat and Beer
Closely linked to the lack of fitness is the fact that the Hunter diet is highly compatible with League. Hunter people generally eat meat and drink beer which keeps them fat and stupid, the perfect animalistic condition for league

Skill

As we know, most blokes in the Hunter are Miners, and therefore, not very smart..so Rugby League is the perfect game for such lummoxes.

How it works is as follows

• You have six tackles before you have to turn over possession
  
• For the first 5 tackles, you give the ball to the biggest fattest bloke on your team, who runs straight at a big fat bloke from the other team and gets tackled. This continues for the whole game...it's very linear so the players don't have to use their brains at all
• On the final tackle, pass the ball to someone who can kick the ball up high, and someone who can run (eg. a winger) will run through to catch it and hopefully score a try.

Rugby League's greatest hero:

Andrew "Joey" Johns is considered a god by the Rugby League fraternity...a Hunter player too!!!!

Johns is so revered he can snort heaps of coke and pop heaps of pingers, and no-one cares a bit.

The reason for this worship would be due to the fact that he could actually pass the ball, run, sidestep, and kick...IE: he actually had some skill as opposed to the fat idiots surrounding him