HunterValley Secrets

LORDS of WINE

2009-02-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

Imagine for a second that you've successfully climbed to the top of the corporate ladder. You own a large house in Sydney's North Shore. You own a couple of BMW's and the kids go to private school....the wife plays tennis and shops in Wahroonga too..all financed by your 6 figure salary

Sounds good?..well unfortunately it doesn't seem to quite fulfill the ego, doesn't seem to fulfill the overwhelming desire to Lord it over the rest of Humanity. Thankfully the Hunter Valley provides an outlet for this terrible frustration

The return to Serfdom

These North Shore corporate types purchase Vineyards in the Hunter which serve not only as the perfect tax write-off, but also enable them to act as medieval Lords

Generally the vineyard workforce come from Cessnock, which (as already enlarged upon) are quite stupid people. The North Shore types, with their air of authority and wealth are able to keep this workforce in a state of serfdom

Pay rates are absolute bottom dollar, and Cessnockians will tolerate these conditions for years. One woman worked for 20 years until her insides burst, and was sacked for taking time off for an operation!!

Protocols

The North shore types will never, ever indulge in too much conversation with the serfs, and will always seek to rob them of money as much as possible

The serfs are happy with this almost self-imposed state of things and will never venture into the tourist areas on week-ends

The North Shore Lords will occasionally provide some lunch or catering especially around harvest time. They may even throw a party for the serfs, but any associations are quickly forgotten by Monday morning

The serf must never, ever ask about work or pay conditions, or make suggestions on how their Lords may improve upon things....this will be treated by stern silence or instant dismissal

Future

The Cessnock serfs may soon be released from this miserable existence, as there is talk of the Lords importing foreign workers.....nice one guys!

Of course, we should mention that many workers are able to break free by getting a job....you guessed it...in the MINES!

Women with horrible, crazy short hair!!!!!

2009-01-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

They're everywhere!

Take a drive through the Hunter on any given day of the week and you're bound to find scores of (generally overweight) women with crazy short hair

The photo opposite is a near perfect example of this popular style. The foil effect is obligatory, and often is accompanied by blow drying/hair-spraying the "Do" into a spiky crazy MESS!!!!!

The most popular colour seems to be a red with blondish foils for added effect

Making a Statement

This hair style seems to indicate a couple of things:

That the lady sporting the "DO" (Dieuw) has totally given up on fashion..or they have completely run out of ideas...... (plausible due to a lack of imagination in general)

That the lady in question is nothing short of being completely bonkers...(plausible due to the fact her husband is either a miner, criminal, or both)

The conclusion would be that, once these girls walk through the door sporting this style they guarantee their poor husbands have to accept their spouse now looks like a middle aged mum, and that they are certainly on the verge of menopause

Greek Lightning.......

2008-11-30T21:29:00.001-08:00

Hunter leads the way in another phenomenon

In the same way that the Hunter is the nations capital for "Back Injuries" it also leads the way for the strange phenomenon of House Fires

Related?

Here's the hypothesis...

You've successfully conned your employers that you "Done ya back in". You've received a generous compo and life was easy for a few years. Nothing to do but play X-Box, Keno, and watch DVD's on the Home theatre system.

Being born and bred in the Hunter you most likely have a negligible mortgage, but enough to be a drag on the compo payments..so you beer soaked brain begins to scheme...

To burn the house down!!!!

The solution is easy, with many options available...

The most common would be leaving chips cooking in oil..whoops
Another one (which was recently employed in the outskirts of Cessnock) is to tip nail polish remover down the back of the TV...NICE!!!
Or, for the real risk takers, some petrol thrown liberally around the house....or possibly an oily rag for a slow burn

Whatever the case, Hunter dudes seem to really have the art of burning down a house to fine degree....thereby paying off the house and still having a couple hundred thousand left to finance a life of leisure

Hey!...this is our Town!!....

2008-09-16T16:11:00.001-07:00

Bestest ever place to live

Newcastle was nicknamed "Hell" by the most brutal convicts as it was a place where the most dangerous convicts were sent to dig in the coal mines as harsh punishment for their crimes.

Some would adopt the argument that nothing's changed over the centuries, but Novocastrians love clinging to the idea that Newcastle is the best city in the whole wide world.

Background

At some point in time (no-one really knows when) Newcastle was allegedly voted as:

"Australia's best City".

This has become a catch cry for locals over many years and they cling to it like a fly to shit. It was the inspiration for a famous jingle "Hey this is our town.." which immortalized the inner most thoughts of the population of Newcastle

Unfortunately the most recent poll showed Newie to be way down in popularity which sent locals into a tizz..luckily they had their greatest hero come to the rescue (rescieuw)

The Chief

As discussed in an earlier piece, Rugby League players are 'as gods' to Hunter folk. To put in real terms, if Joey Johns is Apollo, Paul Harrigan ('the chief') would probably be Zeus. So when the latest poll showed Newcastle had slipped as a great city, the masses eagerly sought an encouraging word from mount Olympus.....

A Dire pronouncement

The BankWest Quality of Life Index showed Newcastle was a lowly 505th best place to live. Thankfully "Chief" exposed this wicked collusion or conspiracy in a few wise words:

"I don't believe it," Newcastle identity and former Knights rugby league player Paul Harragon said.

"Any Novocastrian that has lived in other towns or travelled knows beyond doubt that the quality of life here is better than anywhere in Australia. It's certainly my choice of place to live."

Mr Harragon said Newcastle residents had the best of both worlds in a city that offered strong social and economic growth but still retained the feel of a coastal village.

While the survey showed otherwise, the firm Newcastle supporter said he was happy for Newcastle's great qualities to stay a well-kept secret.

"They can think what they want. We'll just stay here and continue to have a quality life in one of the world's best cities," Mr Harragon said.

This was enough to soothe the fears of an entire city..all we can say is thanks Chief

"The Bay..."

2008-08-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

If you follow the Coast line North form Newcastle you'll arrive at a spectacular area that has calm pristine beaches, Hawaiian type headlands coupled with increasingly well developed commercial/residential dwellings that look almost European in parts.

Of Course we are talking about the Nelson Bay, Shoal bay, Salamander bay and Fingal bay areas.

The only Drawback...

There is one slight drawback to this picturesque setting. This is where all the Miners, Crims and Houso's migrate to in the Summer. This explains the plethora of caravan parks smattered throughout the region.

You see, as discussed earlier, Hunter people are subconsciously trapped in the Hunter Valley. So rather than venture interstate (or God forbid overseas) it is inevitable that they end up in a caravan somewhere in "The Bay"

This has become such an entrenched tradition that it's a giveaway you're not from the Hunter if you call it anything but "The Bay..."

Class system

Don't be fooled into thinking there isn't a class system within this blue collar heaven though. Those that have really "made it" have a permanent caravan site which is passed on like a golden chalice from generation to generation..thus ensuring their offspring a bragging right for years

The only acceptable alternative

There is one holiday alternative that Hunter folk can opt for without reproach from their fellow peers. It could be argued that this holiday is the pinnacle of holidays:

THE CRUISE!!!! (pronounced: the crieuwz)

Probably the attraction to a cruise is it's like a giant floating Mcdonalds/RSL/Aldi/Supa-centa all in one place.....and don't forget the final attribute that get's 'em in like flies:

ALL YOU CAN EAT AND DRINK

Anecdotal evidence suggests many passengers will spend the entire cruise playing poker machines (and eating, of course).There is only one cruise option though, which is the South Pacific type of cruise (Isle of pines/Vanuatu/Fiji). Anything out of this area would be way too adventurous and would run the risk of you being called the worst insult known in the Hunter:

"You're up ya-self"

The Cessnock Forcefield

2008-08-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

Question:

If you were in a witness protection program and the people you were hiding from were in Cessnock, where would you hide?

Answer:

You would hide in Mulbring......

It seems that there is a mystical forcefield around Cessnock. Cessnockians rarely venture outside of the fair city.

It's not unusual to find 20-30 year adults that have never been to Sydney. After careful consideration for many years, I conclude it would require too much imagination and adventure for their dwarfed and enfeebled minds.

Another problem could be that many Cessnockians have a disqualified license and so are relegated to a BMX- bike for transportation for up to 2 years

Exceptions

It should be noted that Cessnockians will often find their way to Kurri (which is just like Cessnock really) and Maitland.
Kurri has some choice wrecking yards for their VN's and Maitland markets will lure many each month in the hope of finding some other piece of crap to put in their front or backyard

Newcastle and the promise of a fight will subconsciously draw some, periodically, into the city. Neh-nockians actually see Cessnock as an extension of Newcastle, so there is no mental schism in visiting the city

Note:

(Novocastrians would be horrified to think of Cessnock as part of their city)

Cessnock

2008-08-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

Gateway to the Vineyards

There's an old proverb that says to get to Heaven you pass through hell, likewise it could be said that to get to the Vineyards of the Hunter, you first pass through Cessnock.

Most wealthy people from Sydney are likely to drive through Cessnock without ever stopping to experience it (apart from the curious practice of BMW and Mercedes parking outside of Aldi) , so here is an overview of this choice city

Population/Social structure

Cessnock has a delightful little nickname:

"Neh-nock" .

Apparently this comes from the well-known fact that there are many problems with in-breeding. It is even used in case studies at university. This is the firm social foundation upon which the next population influx could build on

The opening of Cessnock Jail has been a real boon to the gene pool. You see, the Cesso' Hilton is the place where prisoners often finish their sentence, so their families move there in anticipation of the great emancipation. The only drawback is that they stay in the town forever (Although to the delight of the Tattoo parlour). This is a bit of a burden on Centrelink, and a shame for local dentists, as they tend to average 3 teeth per head.

Employment

Many Cessnockians are actually not employed at all. Often this is due to a city wide "back injury" phenomena. Cessnock is the capital for "Back injuries"

Not all un-employment stems from "Back injury" however, and there is a solid generational tradition of being on the dole. The up-side is finding yourself amongst the multitude (at Woolworths for instance) on "Payday".

(Note: Dole payments are referred to as "Me-pay")

Those who are employed are mostly miners.........

Transport

The VN commodore is known as the "Cessnock Chariot" and is widely considered to be the most desirable of all cars. There seems to be an infinite supply of VN's and one has to wonder where they all come from. The VN Commodore is known as the "Crim" or "Crimmodore"

Another popular form of transport is the Push-bike, and specifically a BMX. But the BMX is just as popular with adults for transport, as there is a high rate of license disqualification. That's a downside of the VN...it carries too much temptation to floor it. Driving without any license or "P" plates can also contribute to disqualification

The Cessnock Diet

Many Australians are becoming increasingly concerned with obesity as a national epidemic, however the answer could well lie in adopting the "Cessnock Diet"

The Cessnock diet consists of taking as much ice as you can, according to finances and constitution of the individual. A few months of this and the weight will melt away quicker than the Arctic ice (thanks miners)

There is a bounteous supply, with full credit going to the police for turning a blind eye

Warning: Some adverse side effects would be:

Going to Jail
Becoming Paranoid and delusional
Becoming increasingly violent
Total neglect of any children in your care
Death

Obesity

Cessnock has some of the fattest people you will ever see. I mean, this author has seen some arses that defy gravity!!!..there are some days that leave you astonished and speechless..but it's kind of fun to tease them....

Other peculiarities

Mullets

Cessnock is one of the last bastions of the mullet..in fact it's like a giant conservation area for mullets, and we don't mean the cool urban mullet, but the ugly, brazen Billy Ray Cyrus type. A rare snake mullet was recently sighted in the Coles shopping complex

Lounges on Verandahs

This is a strange yet common occurrence. It would appear to identify the occupants as total houso's. The process would seem to involve getting the nastiest old couch from Vinnies and plonking on your verandah..a top look!

Filling the yard up with shit

Take a leisurely stroll around the 'Nock and sneak a peek into a few yards here and there. You'll notice everywhere people stacking their yards with absolute crap. The default setting is having 3-8 cars (only early model) in the front yard. These are collected to "fix up" at a later date.....tomorrow never comes

Other popular items would include:

Washing machines and dryers
Air conditioning units
All manner of building materials (Beams, studs, Fencing, tiles, bricks, Tin etc. etc.)
Car parts
Caravans
Lounges (see above)
Wheels/Tyres

These are more often than not found in the backyard, but can reach epidemic levels, flowing into the front yard too. Couple that with weather-boards that have never been painted and you have achieved the "Cessnock Backyard-Shitz"

Rugby League

2008-08-06T00:06:00.000-07:00

The only game in town...

Most people of Australia have come to accept that Rugby League is a dying game, except a few strongholds in Queensland and NSW. The Hunter is one of those strongolds, let's examine some probable causes

Fitness

You don't have to be very fit to play Rugby League. AFL players have been known to run up to 35kms in a game, and soccer players over 12km, but big fat blokes can lumber around a Rugby League field for years like a fat sloth

Meat and Beer
Closely linked to the lack of fitness is the fact that the Hunter diet is highly compatible with League. Hunter people generally eat meat and drink beer which keeps them fat and stupid, the perfect animalistic condition for league

Skill

As we know, most blokes in the Hunter are Miners, and therefore, not very smart..so Rugby League is the perfect game for such lummoxes.

How it works is as follows

You have six tackles before you have to turn over possession
For the first 5 tackles, you give the ball to the biggest fattest bloke on your team, who runs straight at a big fat bloke from the other team and gets tackled. This continues for the whole game...it's very linear so the players don't have to use their brains at all
On the final tackle, pass the ball to someone who can kick the ball up high, and someone who can run (eg. a winger) will run through to catch it and hopefully score a try.

Rugby League's greatest hero:

Andrew "Joey" Johns is considered a god by the Rugby League fraternity...a Hunter player too!!!!

Johns is so revered he can snort heaps of coke and pop heaps of pingers, and no-one cares a bit.

The reason for this worship would be due to the fact that he could actually pass the ball, run, sidestep, and kick...IE: he actually had some skill as opposed to the fat idiots surrounding him

The Kurri Kurri Murals

2008-07-25T06:12:00.000-07:00

Why travel all the way to the Louvre in Paris, when you can take a tour of the wonderful Murals of Kurri Kurri ?

There's no doubt that Archaeologists will, one day in the distant future, stumble upon these masterpieces and be dumbfounded by their brilliance...in fact, many people today are rendered speechless when they first view these masterworks

Cream of the crop

My personal favourite would have to be a toss up between the miners face and the bar/pub scene

The miners face is about 10 storeys high, leering down at you as you commute up the main road. It looks like an old lady's fanny with a hard hat on.....

The Bar/Pub scene is special in that the artist has no idea of perspective, and so you have big people and little people right next to each other..like some creepy nightmare..and the figures look like thalidomide vitims..(I suspect the same artist has done the one at Abermain and the one on the Church too)

Good on Kurri for giving mentally challenged people the chance to represent their artistic talents!

So what's your favourite Mural?

Fightin' !!

2008-07-25T04:56:00.000-07:00

Fancy yourself as a bit of a contender?..like a good stoush now and then?..you'll find plenty of action throughout the Hunter

Newcastle

Newcastle has churned out some top notch "Blue-ers" for over a century. In the pre earthquake period you could count on seeing a nasty street fight, or even be privileged enough to be the recipient of a "King hit".

Newcastle's night of nights had to be, without question the Star Hotel Riots on Sept 19, 1979. The event that gave "Cold Chisel" (The undisputed kings of westies) the inspiration for their famous song

4000 people gathered to celebrate the last night of trading for the infamous hotel, before the Hunter folk decided to do what they do best; Drink heaps and punch people (especially coppers)
Some have argued that this was the Zenith of fighting in Newcastle, and the glory days have departed...some believe that Newcastle's best violence is happening now..

Inner City/Post Earthquake

Lately the violence has reached dizzying heights again to the point where City Council is considering CCTV surveillance. What a wonderful achievement by all the wannabe gangsters!..brave little soldiers bashing people with a ratio of 10:1

Cessnock:

A city full of proud blokes who are handy on the knuckle. Seems to stem from a combination of in-breeding and a tendency to take justice into your own hands, not to mention many are ex-inmates

Kurri-Kurri

Pretty much the same as Cessnock in all things really, except they've got those fucking stupid murals as well

Toronto

Aahh Tronna!!...full of blokes wearing Eminem t-shirts and black trackie-daks...need we say more?

Maitland

Lots of goaties, bushranger beards and flannelet shirts..some of the finest thugs of the Valley

Piggin!

2008-07-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

Boredom

Let's face it, there comes a time when shooting animals just doesn't give you that thrill anymore (even if it disturbed you in the beginning)

Many true-blue Hunter folk are introduced to hunting at a young age accruing a huge number of kills by their teens. This is the time for a greater challenge

Piggin!... the solution!

Here's the modus operandi for successful Piggin...which can be summarized as a pack of dogs mauling a pig in a frenzy of ultra-violence, followed by the dogs owner charging in and "Stickin' it!" (more on this later)

M.O.

Find a tough old "bitch" (yep Hunter folk will use this noun in it's correct context, but it's still somehow disturbing) and a proven male to breed a super killing machine
Raise the pup well ensuring it gets out on a piggin trip as soon as possible, joining the handful of dogs you have already
You and a bunch of mates head way out west with plenty of beer and dogs in the cage, to a property that you have permission to roam around a few days.
Drive around with sharp eyes looking for pigs, or until one of the dogs picks up the scent, or both
Release the hounds! you're off and running..although the chase could go on for many hours/kilometres
Wait until the dogs have absolutely terrorized the pig in a frenzied attack. Once the pig is pinned, charge in and flip it over, stabbing it with a large knife in just the right spot

This hands on approach to hunting must be a joyous celebration of ultra-violence as it is very popular.
note: Ensure to take your guns too, if there's no pigs around, you can at least revert to shooting anything that moves.

apologies: A vital ingredient to piggin is a ute with dog cages

Meeting Objections:

If any softc$ck, bleeding heart liberal should dare to question this orgy of violence, simply meet their subversive argument by stating that pigs are a pest, thereby making your past-time a great service to society

Mining

2008-07-24T05:14:00.000-07:00

The Booming economies of China and India and their demand for our natural resources has re-invigorated the mining industry in the Hunter.

The positive effects are manifold:

Landscape

The landscape is often beautifully transformed from rolling green pastures to moonscapes. The mines do such a wonderful job of restoring the land after they're finished, it can barely be explained. To simulate this remarkable transformation, first dig the biggest hole you can in your backyard, throwing the dirt and clay into one big pile....leave it, then just plant grass on top of it

Employment

Mining creates a wealth of jobs for thousands of men who generally, have balls- for- brains.

Blokes who are ignorant and illiterate can gleefully earn over $100k a year in jobs where they can switch off and drive a great big truck back and forth all day (for instance). This could explain why so many miners are total dead-shits, who also think that the whole of the Hunter is indebted to them

Environment

Rising sea levels, Global warming, melting ice caps and every other effect of too much carbon is a small price to pay for a bunch of meat-heads to earn all that money, own a big house, a couple of investment properties, a 4-wheel drive and a boat.....and a fridge full of beer. It's only the environment

Dialect and Handy Sayings

2008-07-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

Hunter pronunciation of You/Two (etc.)

Visitors to the Hunter who are wanting to quickly assimilate should first be aware of a subtle dialect that has been forming in the Hunter region, with traces of it found on the Central Coast to the south.

Hunter folk are almost always inclined to pronounce you as yieuw

For Example:

Visitor: "How are you"

Hunter person: "Fine thank-yieuw, how are yieuw?"

This applies to any word rhyming with you...such as the number 2 (tieuw)

It should also be noted that the more formal the social situation, the more pronounced will be accent.

Or to put it in Hunter language, if you're putting on the dog a bit, the accent is greater

Other Sayings

"Old mate" - can be applied in an affectionate manner to a male, or with a touch of sarcsm

"Queer c%nt"- a favourite of tradespeople throughout the Hunter. Can apply to someone who is "Gay", but mostly to someone considered a bit different

Welcome!

2008-07-24T02:08:00.000-07:00

Hi and welcome to a blog dedicated to the Beautiful Hunter Valley, where you'll find tips and insights gained from someone living in this corner of the world

From the magnificent beaches of Newcastle to the Vineyards and coalfields of the west, there's no shortage of wonders awaiting